Reflect
by harri.xo
Summary: "There are two distinct classes of what are called thoughts: those that we produce in ourselves by reflection and the act of thinking, and those that bolt into the mind of their own accord" Thomas Paine
1. ControlVulnerability

Kate Beckett reflects. After the events of 'Knockdown'/'Lucky Stiff'

**Control/Vulnerability**

"_Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over."_

_Anonymous_

I defy anyone to say they have complete control over their life. There are so many variables – so many parts and facets of our life beyond our control. The length of the queue at Starbucks whilst you wait for your morning coffee. Whether it will be your lottery numbers that are drawn out this week. What temperature it'll be outside today. Of course, that doesn't stop people finding ways to implement control.

When I first investigated my mother's murder, I nearly lost control entirely. What I learnt was that my job requires a level of self control, to ensure I remain professional and objective. That isn't always easy.

Since he came along, I've found it difficult to maintain my self control, particularly my control over how much of my private thoughts and feelings are made public. Over time, he has built a door in the walls I constructed – found a way to peel back the protective layers that once kept me in control. He looks at me in a way that says he wishes to know me, all of me, and he can spend a lifetime finding out every detail.

If it were anyone else, my defences would be alerted, and I would quickly and completely shut them out. Past failed relationships are a testament to this – I needed to reassert control. But with him, the idea of total openness doesn't scare me. It probably should – after all, he's let me down in the past. But more often than not, he's there for me. And that's how I know that even when I'm my most vulnerable, if I'm with him, I can still be in control.

_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle. _


	2. FictionReality

Richard Castle reflects. After the events of 'Knockdown'/'Lucky Stiff'

**Fiction/Reality**

"_Imagination and fiction make up more than three quarters of our real life"_

_Simone Weil_

With her, it was always about the books, and it was never about the books.

My days are spent caught between the real world and the one I've created; to the point where one is the disease and the one the cure. When I am dissatisfied with the way my interactions with her play out in reality, I can escape into fiction, where I encounter endless possibilities for how my rewrite can play out. But then, like a vicious cycle, the fictional world torments me, and I must return to reality and sample her wit and sarcasm to remain sane.

Until the moment when the fictional encroaches on the real, and I can no longer separate the two. I become unable to drawn the line between fiction and reality.

The way she drove my car – a little recklessly, showing me how it can be done. The way she looked in that dress – it took my breath away. The way she danced, and how it felt when she pressed against me to whisper in my ear – I was left speechless. How it felt to kiss her – a sensation I am desperate to repeat.

All of those moments were real – my reactions were too potent for it to be otherwise. But the premise, the back story to these moments was a work of fiction. So how much of it was actual reality?

Of my feelings, I am certain. I want all of it to be real. But her thoughts and feelings are an enigma, one I could devote a lifetime to studying and still be no closer to decoding. Which is why it is so difficult to act on my feelings. If she were to push me away, to end our partnership entirely, no amount of fiction could compensate for the pain I would feel.

My head is filled with her. She is there in all her guises – Detective Beckett, Nikki Heat, Kate – and I cannot escape her. She is so real – the perfect counterbalance to all the fiction in my head. But what she thinks and feels are not real to me. And that will be my undoing in the end.


	3. NearnessRemoteness

Richard Castle reflects. After the events of 'Setup'/'Knockdown'

**Nearness/Remoteness**

"_Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart."_

_ Robert Sexton_

Will I ever be good enough for her?

She said she wanted someone who would be there for her. Were I the one writing her story – Kate Beckett's story, not the cheap imitation that is Nikki Heat - Doctor Motorcycle Boy wouldn't make the cut for the role. And from our conversations in both the decontamination tent and the freezer, I was certain Kate felt the same – at least until Josh chose her over Haiti. Yet I can't help but think: if Kate hadn't almost lost her life in that freezer, would he have ridden off into the sunset and out of our lives forever?

Amongst the horror of that experience in the freezer, there were moments where I gained valuable insight into the enigma that is Kate Beckett. I would willingly go through the entire experience again if only I could hear what she wanted to say as she lost consciousness. I want it to be that she feels about me the same as I feel about her, but a lesson I have learnt from my experiences with Kate is that all the money in the world doesn't necessarily mean you'll get what you want.

There is no guarantee that I will ever be the person who can be there for her to the extent I wish I could. I came so close to telling her – admitting how much I want to be that person. But her knight in shining armour – or surgeon in motorcycle leathers – appeared, and my chance was gone. I'm afraid that I've blown my chances forever: that Josh has realised how extraordinary Kate is and is willing to claim her love. I wouldn't want to jeopardise anything that makes Kate happy. But I don't know how much longer I can stand by without saying anything. I am determined to show her that I can be the kind of man she deserves.

_Please let me know what you think. I was thinking of writing a reflection from the point of view of Kate Beckett along the same theme – is that something anyone would be interested in reading? _


End file.
